Nigel Slater has sent the internet into a right tizz after sharing a recipe for a sweet tart with quite a suggestive shape.
The 67-year-old food writer posted instructions for a custard and poached quince tart, alongside a picture of the pink pastry.
Nigel clearly spent a lot of time perfecting the recipe, but what he maybe didn’t do was think about his photography properly. Or, maybe he knew exactly what he was doing.
Because within minutes of sharing his quince custard tart recipe, the comment section was flooded with similar observations.
There’s no denying it – those soft folds of pink stewed fruit look an awful lot like a vulva…
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One person joked that the tart looked like it would have a ‘nice vulvatey texture’ while another said it was ‘Shameless clitbait’.
Nigel’s caption read: “Not something to hurry, but a pleasurable way to spend a quiet afternoon in the kitchen and worth every minute of your time.
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“The quinces need to be cooked until completely soft then left to cool in their syrup which is then boiled down for the glaze. You could make them with apples should quinces prove evasive.”
But his followers were so distracted by the NSFW image that they couldn’t resist bombarding him with jokes.
Nigel Slater’s accidentally rude tart recipe. Credit: Instagram
One person wrote: “Is it my dirty mind or….*checks comments* nope, we are all filth bags together.”
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Another said: “Broke my neck running to the comments.”
Someone else posted: “Nige, I’m going to put it down to your being a sweet gay man that you have no idea what you’ve posted. Merry Christmas.”
And someone else passed on season’s greetings, saying: “Merry Clitmas, one and all.”
Another festive joker said: “Feliz Fannydad! (Thanks for making my crimbz, Nigel!)”
And on X, formerly known as Twitter, one user shared: “Nigella: ‘No one does sexy Christmas like me.’ Nigel: ‘See my beer? Will you hold it?'”
Nigel Slater has since posted a follow-up to the erotic quince tart, writing: “Gracious me, thank you for all your likes and comments on my last post. Some absolute gems there.
“A very low-key Christmas here this year, so here is a picture of my tree in 2022 (probably my favourite ever) to wish you a very, very happy and peaceful Christmas and to say a heartfelt thank you to everyone for following and for all your messages over the year.
Noel Gallagher’s rant about Christmas has resurfaced online and it’s still excellent
Danny Jones
An infamous rant by Noel Gallagher about how rubbish Christmas is has resurfaced online and just in time for the holidays.
Right on cue, just like that advert with Santa driving the big lorry full of Coca-Cola.
In case you’ve never heard him rip festive fanatics a new one before, the legendary Manc musician pretty much loathes everything about the holiday season – or at least he once did, not that he’s one to dwell on beefs and grievances of any kind…
Speaking in a typically sarcastic Christmas message courtesy of visual arts and electronic outlets 180 Fact, the Oasis songwriter and lead guitarist starts nice and softly by simply stating: “The entire f***ing period is a stain on society – I f***ing hate it with a passion.”
A festive Gallagher grouch, through and through.
As you can see in the full short but not-so-sweet clip above, in which Noel manages to cram in countless gripes against everything from Christmas jingles, jumpers and songs, to even TV adverts, presenters and even the amount of food (what?…), the 57-year-old really isn’t very keen on it at all.
He even took issue with charity singles like the 1985 ‘We Are the World’ song because god forbid any well-meaning soul embrace the spirit of giving come December.
Every year it rears its end, we particularly enjoy his bizarre tangent about a kid asking for an exotic spider or tree frog. Hyperbole and absurdity, we know, but still cracks us up.
The older Gallagher brother reels off pretty much every negative adjective you can think of for Christmas: “rubbish”, “boring”, “dogsh**” and so on. He even says he has turned his daughter Anais against the holiday and will continue to work on the other family members in the coming years.
Having said that, we’re not too sure how well all that is going or if Noel is still as vehement in his hatred of Christmas as he once was, especially given recent events. This you, mate, yeah?…
Noel Gallagher hosted a star-studded Christmas party in London on Wednesday night.
The 57-year-old got into the festive spirit by inviting a load of his famous pals to celebrity hangout Chiltern Firehouse, which is frequented by the likes of Kate Moss, Rita Ora and even Tom… pic.twitter.com/0E8EnnXgTg
In all seriousness, we sincerely hope that now Oasis are officially back that Noel and all the other Gallagher family relations will be reunited once again this festive period and that everything will be absolutely hunky dory.
That being said, we’ve already had one early Christmas miracle with the two kissing and making up so we’re not going to push our luck too much because, let’s be honest, if it’s anything like anyone else’s Christmas, they’ll be at each other’s throats before you know it.
Please just stay friends until after the tour’s over, lads, we beg you.
What about you lot? Are you Christmas fans or, like Noel Gallagher, do you think it’s overrated tripe?
The best things to do in Greater Manchester this week | 16 – 22 December 2024
Emily Sergeant
December is flying by.
No but seriously, where has the time gone? The festive season is properly in full swing across Greater Manchester now, but we have to admit, we’re absolutely here for it as that means there’s loads of Christmas-themed events and activities for the whole family to be getting up to across the region this week.
Finding it a bit tricky to pick what to do though? We’ve chosen a few of the best bits for another edition of our ‘what’s on‘ guide to help you out.
Here’s some of our recommendations.
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Manchester Christmas Markets 2024
Manchester City Centre
Monday 16 – Sunday 22 December
Manchester Christmas Markets 2024 / Credit: Manchester City Council
This is your last week to experience Manchester Christmas Markets for 2024.
The iconic annual event is an absolute staple in Manchester’s festive events calendar, and always draws in thousands of visitors from all across the globe – with hundreds of stalls across several sites now all lining the streets of our city centre.
Visitors are able to tuck into a wide range of festive foods and drinks, and shop for Christmas gifts from countless independent traders.
Find out everything you need to know about Manchester Christmas Markets 2024 here.
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Wicked The Musical
Palace Theatre Manchester
Monday 16 December 2024 – Sunday 12 January 2025
Wicked The Musical / Credit: Jennifer DiNoia / Limited Engagement
Wicked The Musical has landed in Manchester and has taken over the iconic Palace Theatre stage for the festive season.
Sure, there may be a major motion picture adaptation starring Cynthia Erivo and Ariana Grande currently on in the cinema right now, but if you’re keen to see the beloved musical production on stage in the way it was originally intended, then you can head on down to the Palace Theatre to see the story of Elphaba and Galinda live.
Of course, this has been one of the hottest tickets in town for quite a while now, but there’ll still some last-minute seats left to get your hands on, so keep your eyes peeled.
David Hockney: Bigger & Closer (not smaller & further away)
Aviva Studios
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Monday 16 December 2024 – Saturday 25 January 2025
David Hockney: Bigger & Closer (not smaller & further away) / Credit: The Manc Group
One of the most influential British artists of the 21st century, David Hockney, is taking you on a personal journey through 60 years of his art in the revolutionary Aviva Studios, and it’s now open for everyone to pay a visit.
This is a real sensory encompassing experience, from the grand and vibrant projections on the walls, to the sound system which will be playing throughout the exhibition.
Hockney opened this installation in London, and this is the first time these pieces of art have left the country’s capital to be viewed by even more spectators.
Monday 16 December 2024 – Wednesday 1 January 2025
Skate Manchester 2024 / Credit: Matt Eachus (via Supplied)
What’s a festive season in the city without Skate Manchester?
Back once again for 2024, Skate Manchester is festive staple, and this year, skaters can glide across a gleaming ice path and spin around a dazzling seven-metre Christmas tree taking centre stage in the middle of the rink.
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Families, friends, and festive fun seekers will be able to enjoy the sights and sounds of Christmas whatever the weather has in store for our city this year too, as although the rink will be outdoors in the heart of Cathedral Gardens, the ice is fully covered.
East Lancashire Railway’s beloved Santa steam train rides are back for more festive fun this Christmas.
Running right through until Christmas Eve, ELR’s ‘Santa Specials’ are your chance to hop on board an old-school steam train and travel through the magical Irwell Valley to make “enchanted memories” that last a lifetime.
The famous festive steam trains have become an essential part of Christmas for many families in the North West, and there’s still some tickets left available.
Bar Hütte’s legendary karaoke cabins are back in Manchester once again.
Bringing Alpine vibes, cosy furnishings, twinkling lights, live music sessions, and flowing drinks to two city centre locations from this Thursday onwards, dozens of cosy private hüttes neatly-positioned under twinkling lights are now open down at both Kampus and Great Northern Square.
There’s also a handful of other events on the lineup throughout the festive season, including live music and DJs, wreath making workshops, and movie nights.
Winter Holiday Programme / Credit: Science Museum Group
One of Manchester’s most popular museums has been transformed into an immersive ‘Light Lab’ for the festive season.
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This is your chance to escape the cold and brighten up the winter holidays with an adventure though light and colour, as the Science and Industry Museum is currently running its full festive events programme and there’s loads to get involved with.
You can also explore a gaming extravaganza, and be engrossed by festive-themed science shows at the city centre-based museum this December.
The magnificent grounds of Tatton Park have been transformed into a ‘glittering winter adventure’ for the festive season.
Families will be whisked away into a world of folklore, enchantment, and enthralling performances as they enter the gardens of the stunning Tatton Park in Cheshire for an immersive, festival-like experience known as Yuletide.
Organisers say the captivating event promises to be a “truly magical experience” where folklore stories come to life through storytelling and live music.
Spectrum: A World of Illumination / Credit: Supplied
A brand-new Christmas attraction to get us all in the festive spirit has now opened.
Just outside of Manchester, titled ‘Spectrum: A World of Illumination’, this spectacular never-seen-before trail is lighting up Cheshire with a month-long residency in Knutsford, and will be running every day in December besides Christmas Day, plus a few extra dates in November.
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The immersive maze features moving giant candy canes, overhead Christmas-inspired installations like a laser show, and tunnels of light.
Not enough light trails on this list for your liking?
As the nights draw in and the temperatures drop, light trails are pretty much a given every time the festive season rolls around, and luckily, there’s plenty of them dotted across Greater Manchester, Cheshire, and across the North West this year.
If deciding which immersive experience to head on down to over these next couple of weeks is a tricky task for you though,
A brand-new festive hub has arrived in Spinningfields, and you’ll be able to visit a new ice rink, drink cocktails in a snow globe-like rooftop dome, and get merry in a yurt.
Winter Assembly at Courts Club is home to the city’s newest, fully-independent ice rink, On Ice, as well as lots of different food traders serving up winter gyros from Lucky Gyros, festive grilled cheeses, boozy hot chocolate, German BBQ specials, and so much more.
A major Jurassic World exhibition that’s been mesmerising visitors all over the world has now arrived here in Greater Manchester, and it’s recently been announced that it’ll be sticking around until the new year.
Based on the beloved blockbuster film franchise, this official award-winning experience is one of the fastest-selling exhibitions in history.
Manc visitors will be able to walk through the iconic Jurassic World gates, explore some richly-themed environments, and encounter a life-sized Brachiosaurus, Velociraptors, and the most fearsome dinosaur of all, the mighty Tyrannosaurus Rex.
Christmas Screenings at King Street Townhouse / Credit: KSTH
Elf, Love Actually, and Home Alone are just some of the classic Christmas films hitting the big screen at a hidden cinema in Manchester.
Film fans looking for some wholesome festive fun are being invited to get themselves down to one of Manchester’s most popular hotels, King Street Townhouse, in the run-up to the big day itself, as it’s very-own exclusive cinema will be screening a jam-packed lineup of fan-favourite festive films over the next couple of weeks.
Cheshire Oaks’ beloved grotto is back for 2024, and the big man in red and his trusty elves are taking to the skies once again this year.
Running on the Designer Outlet’s Big Wheel every Thursday to Sunday throughout December, the ‘Santa in the Sky’ experience is the perfect way to celebrate Christmas as a family this winter, and make memories to last a lifetime.
Looking for something else to do at Cheshire Oaks this month? There’s plenty of other festive events happening in the run-up to Christmas.
With alpine lodges, festive drinks, Yorkshire pudding wraps, and of course, a helter skelter, The Winter Village is now open at Cheshire Oaks.
Christmas films like Home Alone, The Grinch, and The Polar Express will also be screened in the lodge, and plus, did you know that Cheshire Oaks is home to the UK’s largest Christmas tree, that you can actually go inside?
Find out more and grab tickets to any events here.
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Hot House Winter Workshops
MediaCity
Wednesday 18 & Thursday 14 December
Hot House Winter Workshops/ Credit: | Ksenia Ya | Jonathan Borba (via Unsplash & Pexels)
A handful Christmas-inspired workshops are happening down at MediaCity this week, and lots of them are free to take part in.
This series of engaging and creative workshops at Hot House is ideal for all ages, so no matter if you’re looking to personalise your Christmas decorations, craft a beautiful wreath, or design some unique Christmas cards, then there’s something for everyone – and no prior experience is needed either.
Daisy Jackson -
18th December 2023 
