Someone on Twitter—sorry, X, has put together a hypothetical thread of what different football managers would be like on a date and we genuinely haven’t stopped laughing.
It’s times like these that we remember how much we love the internet.
The absolutely deviant genius behind this is a lady named Alexandra Haddow: a writer, comedian, columnist and self-proclaimed ‘fashion magpie’ who decided to turn her comic chops to the world of football and footy managers, specifically.
So, if you’ve ever wondered what it would be like to date, say, Pep Guardiola or Mikel Arteta, this may or may not give you some idea of what it might be like. I mean, not really but it’s hilarious and, we’ll warn you, it’s more than a bit naughty.
2. Kevin Keegan
Nice dinner in a decent pub, Babychams on him, both get accidentally leathered and join a group of people on a 40th birthday. One of the best nights out you’d had in years. Goes through you like a train in the morning
There’s a total of 15 different imaginary dates with 15 different football managers. Few rival Keegan’s satisfaction levels.
4. Pep Guardiola
Picks you up in his car & whisks you to a restaurant that nobody’s heard of but it’s about to be impossible to get into. Has one too many, leaves the car & has a row with the taxi driver on the way back to yours. Fresh coffee in the morning. You should call him
Sadly, Pep couldn’t perform in this fantasy fixture.
6. Gareth Southgate
Comes round to yours with a lovely bottle of wine and makes his own pasta from scratch. You spend all night chatting and open up to him about your relationship with your father, sharing things you’ve never told anyone. The next day you quit your job
We’d try and describe how we’re feeling after reading these but we’ve only just got up after fainting.
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It goes without saying that these spicy takes aren’t only an absolute crease but they’ll probably get you more hot under the collar than all three Fifty Shades books combined.
We genuinely struggled to pick our favourite but her vision of going out with former Leicester, Blackpool and QPR coach, Ian Holloway, had us literally dripping with tears of laughter: “Takes you to life drawing & brings magic mushrooms for both of you. You get kicked out for giggling. Ends up a twilight stroll by the river with ice creams discussing philosophy & your favourite sweet wrappers. Quick one in the bushes on the way home for a laugh.”
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Honestly, we could be here all day sharing these fiery fantasy dates but we’ll leave you to enjoy them at your own (p)leisure.
Big up Alexandra for putting her mind firmly in the gutter simply for our amusement. She’s also playing here in Manchester next month at Cane and Grain in Northern Quarter in case you fancy enjoying her funnies in person.
The London-based comic has been supporting Frankie Boyle on tour and has received rave reviews following this year’s Edinburgh Festival.
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You can grab tickets for her ‘Not My Finest Hour’ show on 9 October HERE.
Last one, we promise. ‘Big Sam’ would be the ride of your life and you most likely wouldn’t survive…
9. Big Sam Allardyce
Takes you to a dog fight & you win big. Straight to Angus Steak House for a well done ribeye with all the trimmings. 18 pints & back to his. Shags you into another dimension. Cashes out the next day & you realise he put a bet on you’d go home with him at 3/1
Featured Image — Wikimedia Commons/The Manc Group/@BeersnBlues (via Twitter)
Sport
Details released of Andy Burnham’s meetings with Manchester City owners while Mayor
Emily Sergeant
Details of Andy Burnham’s meetings with Manchester City owners during his tenure as Mayor of Greater Manchester have been released.
In case you need bringing up to speed on the situation a little first, Manchester City was found guilty back in September all of its charges related to the Premier League’s financial rules over a nine-season period, and on top of that, was also found guilty of the majority of charges in relation to its failure to co-operate with the League’s investigation.
According to the Premier League, the independent Commission found that Manchester City had arranged so-called ‘sham’ commercial deals with a number of its sponsors.
These were part of a disguised funding scheme – with those sponsors only required to pay a portion of the relevant sponsorship fees.
The remainder was then funded by Abu Dhabi United Group Investment & Development Ltd (ADUG), which owned the club.
The Commission also concluded, as quoted by the Premier League, that the club had ‘made concerted efforts to stop and frustrate the Premier League investigation’.
Within the past week or so, it has since come to light that now-Prime Minister Andy Burnham had dealings with Manchester City during his tenure as Greater Manchester Mayor, and Greater Manchester Combined Authority (GMCA) has now issued a public statement, giving details on the matter and what these ‘dealings’ entailed.
A spokesperson for GMCA confirmed that Burnham had a ‘formal meeting’ with Man City Chairman, Khaldoon Al Mubarak, back in October 2021.
The statement reads in full: “In October 2021, Andy Burnham, in his role as Mayor of Greater Manchester, had a formal meeting with Khaldoon Al Mubarak at the UK Government’s Global Investment Summit arranged by the Department for International Trade.
“In his capacity as Mayor, he was a guest of Manchester City FC at home matches on a small number of occasions, including attending Vincent Kompany’s testimonial match in September 2019, where he met the Chairman informally in the stands. These have been declared in the usual way.
“Also during his time as Mayor, representatives of Greater Manchester sporting clubs would routinely join business delegations as part of Mayoral international visits.
“This included representatives from Manchester United travelling to Austin and Dublin, Lancashire Cricket Club joining a delegation to India, and Manchester City FC staff supporting visits to China and Japan.”
Featured Image – Lauren Hurley / Number 10 Downing Street (Press Image via Flickr)
Sport
Multiple arrests made for ‘tragedy chanting’ and police officer assault as Man City defeated Liverpool
Emily Sergeant
Multiple people were arrested over the weekend as Manchester City defeated Liverpool in a Premier League clash.
Merseyside Police have confirmed that a total of 10 people were arrested during the policing operation at Liverpool’s home ground of Anfield as they hosted Manchester City on Sunday 11 October.
One man was arrested on suspicion of assaulting a police constable, five were on suspicion of tragedy chanting, one on suspicion of being drunk and disorderly, two for affray, and one on suspicion of throwing items onto the pitch.
Police are now appealing to the public, and are particularly looking to speak to witnesses of the assault of the officer.
At around 6:35pm, as fans left the stadium, a police officer sustained a ‘serious facial injury’ during the arrest of a man on Anfield Road, and was subsequently taken to hospital for treatment but is now recovering at home.
Investigating officers are now conducting enquiries, speaking to witnesses, and analysing CCTV and camera phone footage.
Chief Inspector Leanne Hobin said it’s ‘extremely disappointing’ that an officer has sustained a serious injury while carrying out their duty.
“I hope the arrests send a clear message and act as a deterrent to others,” Chief Inspector Hobin continued. “Anyone who engages in this abhorrent behaviour risks ending up in custody and getting a criminal record.
“Despite the actions of a few, the overwhelming majority of the 60,000 fans in attendance behaved well and I want to thank them for their co-operation.”
Manchester City ended up defeated Liverpool 3-0 during the Premier League clash at Anfield.
Danny Jones -
27th September 2023 
