Forget stars and snowflakes and Santas – you could hang an army of festive dildo baubles off your tree this Christmas…
An event taking place in Manchester this weekend will allow ticket-holders to bedazzle their own phallic Christmas ornament with everything from glitter to diamantés to neon paints.
The Xmas Dildo Decorating Workshop is taking place at Grub, and demand has been so great they’ve had to add a second event.
The 18+ event comes from artist and tattoo artist Ben Saunders, who promises the festive workshop will be ‘prioritising queer joy, creativity, body positivity and s3x positivity’.
Every ticket includes your own handmade dildo decoration to jazz up however you want, then you can take it home to hang on your tree.
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Plenty of art supplies, including paint, brushes, glue and loads of glitter, will be provided at each of the two workshops, but ticket-holders are welcome to bring their own supplies along too.
You could turn your willy-shaped decoration into a pop-art style ornament, a mirror ball penis, or a shimmering glitter phallus – the options are endless.
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The Xmas Dildo Decorating event will be held in a private room at the street food village in the Green Quarter on the outskirts of Manchester city centre, and will be soundtracked by Christmas music.
An Xmas Dildo Decorating Workshop event is taking place in Manchester this Christmas. Credit: Instagram, @bensaunders.art
You can grab drinks from the Grub bar or a bite to eat from any of the food vendors stationed there while you get into the ‘Christmas (k1nky) spirit’.
Sharing the news on Instagram, Ben wrote: “No art experience is necessary – suitable for all levels and types of artists! This is a festive workshop prioritising queer joy, creativity, body positivity and s3x positivity!
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“At the end of the workshop, you will be able to take home your decorated d1ldo ornaments to display for all your guests to see!”
There are discounted tickets available to those on a low income, and you can pay-it-forward towards the price of a low income ticket for someone else too.
Full-price tickets for this Manchester Christmas event are £35 each, with the afternoon session running from 2pm until 5pm.
One person commented on Grub’s event post: “F*ck the wreath have you seen this?!”
Another joked: “Is that a ding dong merrily on high?”
The best picky bits and Christmas party food in M&S this year
Daisy Jackson
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Can some scientist please explain why us Brits have such a compulsion to roll out the picky bits and party food (ESPECIALLY if it comes from M&S) as soon as there’s a vague sense of occasion?
Birthday party? Picky bits. BBQ season? Picky bits. Had a long day at work and can’t decide what to have for tea but definitely don’t want a Pot Noodle? Picky bits.
And when Christmas or New Year’s Eve rolls around, the urge to consume random little morsels of food intensifies.
Whether it’s British classics squashed down into tiny portions and jammed on a buffet table or fancy little appetisers you hand around a party, we just can’t get enough.
Which is why we’ve raided the shelves at M&S once again to bring you all the best picky bits and party food available for Christmas 2024.
As for prices, the more premium M&S Collection party food items are generally priced at £7.50, with the more standard range coming in at £5.50 each, and all available on a four-for-three offer.
And yes, you might end up spending an obscene amount of money on miniature food items that won’t do a single thing to quell an appetite, but my gosh, won’t you feel like a prim and proper princess when you slide those teeny weeny fish and chips in front of your guests.
Let’s begin.
Brits abroad
M&S party food 2024 – chicken shawarma and Middle Eastern flatbreadsM&S party food 2024 – patatas bravas stacks
M&S might be the most staunchly British institution of modern times, but us Brits also love nothing more than to lift the culinary expertise of other countries onto our own plates.
And this year is no exception – M&S has whipped up a whole host of party food inspired by international favourites.
From little potato stacks that pay homage to everyone’s favourite tapas dish, patatas bravas, to tiny chicken shawarma kebabs to Middle Eastern Flatbreads, if you want a little spice on your Christmas buffet, they’ve got it.
Well aren’t you a fancy pants?!
‘Ooooh, someone’s doing well’ comes the chorus of praise as you hand around your mini prawn thermidor (these tiny gold trays even have a cheddar cheese crumb on top).
‘Wow, that must’ve been a good Christmas bonus’ they say as they accept a mini coquille St Jacques, complete with extra-small shell.
If upper middle class was a nibble, it would probably look like these guys.
Little Britain
Mini scampi and chips, and miniature pies at M&SMini Yorkshire puddings and cheese and ham scones from M&S party food range
Imagine all your classic British dishes, pub food, Sunday dinners, comfort meals cooked by your mum – you picturing them? Okay, now imagine them again but really, really small.
Now you’ve got a good idea of the items in our next M&S party food category.
There are mini Yorkshire puddings filled with slow-cooked beef, red wine and mushroom jus, and a garlic and herb crumb.
There are neat little cheddar and ham scones, miniature pies filled with beef and ale or chicken and leek, and even picky bit-sized scampi and chips portions, complete with newspaper wrapping. Cute!
The classics
M&S prawn selectionM&S pigs in blankets and halloumi in blanketsM&S Smoked salmon appetisers
These are not just buffet food items, these are M&S buffet food items, and that means they come with a bit of pizzazz.
Yes, there are pigs in blankets, but there are also halloumi pigs in blankets (which they weirdly haven’t made vegetarian) served with a hot honey drizzle.
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We love a battered prawn on a party food selection and M&S has done a selection of tiger prawn nibbles – prawn baguette toasts, prawn and coconut bites, and prawn and potato lattice balls. The word prawn is starting to look weird.
There are also smoked salmon appetisers, where smoked salmon strips are rolled around a honey roast salmon mousse. Hope ya like very small fish!
I’d love to be a fly on the wall when the M&S party food is discussed, because I’m pretty sure no one around that boardroom table is telling them ‘No, Arabella, that’s a silly idea’. Arabella does what she wants.
This year, she’s heard all the ‘girl dinner’ trends and gone ‘WE SHOULD MAKE A CHRISTMAS DIP’ – the result is a turkey feast dip topped with shredded turkey and bacon, cranberry sauce, cranberries and a stuffing crumb. WHY, ARABELLA?!
They’ve also brought back the novelty-shaped bao, this year in two festive shapes – penguins and polar bears.
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And of course you can still get miniature steak sandwiches and I don’t know why that makes me so uncomfortable, but it does.
A very yeehaw Christmas
M&S Mini beef burgersBuffalo chicken croquettes and New York deli spring rolls at M&S
Giddy up, cowboy, it’s time for the rootin’-tootin’ M&S party food show!
Everyone’s favourite fancy supermarket has gone stateside this year, drawing inspiration from the healthiest of nations… America.
There are Buffalo chicken croquettes, served with an extra Buffalo sauce dip, mini beef burgers (always the hardest thing to eat), and, weirdly, spring rolls inspired by a New York deli?
They’ve shoved salt beef and sauerkraut into a spring roll and then served it with a mustard and gherkin dip. You do you, M&S.
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Now you’re just showing off
M&S party food 2024 – the charcuter-tree. Credit: The Manc Group
You’re presenting your charcuterie on a flat board? Peasant.
Real fancy people present their cured meat and cheese selection in the shape of a Christmas tree (obviously) and M&S have got a build-you-own kit available for £25.
An extra shout-out to the security-locked Serrano ham joint, which came with its own block and knife, for another statuesque meat buffet option.
A completely objective ranking of every Quality Street sweet
Gareth Lloyd
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It’s Christmas Day and dinner is done.
Dad is sat there snoozing with his mouth ajar, a glass of red wine hanging loosely between his fingers. Mum is tapping away on her phone, probably doing some intel as to how her gifts went down with relatives. An aunt, uncle and or grandparent is propped up in the corner, frowning in confusion at the “rubbish” playing on the television.
The rest of you are eyeing up the purple tub of chocolates sitting on the dining room table. Dad’s spilled drink will wake him up at any moment. Mum has nearly finished finding out if her pressies were a success. And the aunt/uncle/grandparent will soon want a distraction from that “stupid” programme they can’t understand.
Someone is about to lift the lid off the Quality Street, and then it’s game time. With a belly already fit to burst, you need to choose wisely. Not all of these chocolates are created equal, after all.
For 85 years, ranking Quality Street has proven more problematic than naming a round piece of bread (is it a barm, bap, bun, breadcake cob, roll? One problem at a time…), but we reckon we’ve cracked it.
Here’s a definitive list that ought to put you in pole position during the annual Christmas Day race for the best chocolates in the tub.
11. Toffee Penny
Chowing down on a Toffee Penny is like listening to an elderly family member trying to read aloud a long joke from a Christmas cracker.
On and on it goes, getting more tedious and uncomfortable by the second, and just as you think it’s all over, you realise it’s only getting started.
Chewy, sickly and sticky, Toffee Pennies are always among the last choccies remaining in any depleted Quality Street box. And that’s no coincidence.
10. Toffee Finger
Toffee Fingers. Credit: The Manc Group
A little less chewy and a bit more flavoursome than the Penny, the Toffee Finger is a familiar and distinctive Quality Street staple… but it’s still not something to get particularly excited about.
Maybe one is fine when it’s getting late, the layers are thinning out and you’re left staring into that abyss of scrunched-up wrappers, but otherwise, you can do far better.
This is one of the few instances in life where you should not go for gold.
9. Coconut Eclair
Coconut eclairs. Credit: The Manc Group
It’s funny how some flavours have an incredible ability to get people riled up to the point of boiling hot anger. Take coriander, for instance – a herb despised so much that someone actually made a Facebook account titled ‘I Hate Coriander’ that has since grown into a community of a quarter of a million members. The page even sells merch nowadays.
Coconut is another ingredient that seems to stir up similar sensations in certain members of the population, and a lot of people find Quality Street’s blue-wrapped choccies borderline offensive as a result (the coconutty Bounty gets the same treatment when the Celebrations come out).
Indeed, in one YouGov poll, the Coconut Eclair ranked as the least popular variety of all.
As coconut fans, we’re actually ok with it, but we appreciate there’s no way to talk anyone into giving the Eclair a second chance. The hostility towards coconut is just too strong. The people who hate it, really hate it.
8. Fudge
Fudge. Credit: The Manc Group
Fudge’s are fine. Absolutely fine. It’s just that over the years, we might have had way too many of them.
Consumer group Which? conducted research into chocolate tubs that found that Fudges are the most common flavour in any typical Quality Street box – with an average of nine appearing amongst the multicoloured rubble.
That’s a lot of fudges. And whilst they might be pretty decent, it’s just like anything else: Too much of the same and it gets a bit… meh.
7. Orange Crunch
Orange Crunch. Credit: The Manc Group
The Orange Crunch boasts a nice blend of textures and to be fair, it’s pretty damn good.
It’s got zest, it’s got bite, and it’s got a few very, very loyal fans – some of whom will shamelessly bat away the hands of others to snap up all the little orange hexagons from the moment the Quality Street is opened.
If there’s one going spare, it’s worth grabbing. Just make sure you don’t have any die-hard Orange Crunch fans in the house. Otherwise, Christmas could get ugly.
6. Milk Choc Block
Milk Choc Block. Credit: The Manc Group
The chocolate box equivalent of a Yorkie bar, the Milk Choc Block requires a bit of effort to actually eat – so it may not be the wisest choice immediately after a gluttonous Christmas dinner. But when things have settled and you’re finally sensing a bit of wiggle room, it’s worth plucking one of these dark green wrappers from the tub and getting stuck in.
These beasty blocks are a cracking accompaniment for your afternoon/evening cuppa, and whilst they can take a while to break down, they won’t lose their flavour.
A perfect option when you’re not feeling too adventurous.
5 & 4. Strawberry Delight / Orange Creme
Strawberry and orange fruit cremes. Credit: The Manc Group
We’re into the upper echelons of the Quality Street rankings now, and whilst some will be loathed to admit it, the fruit cremes definitely belong towards the top end of the table.
Eating Strawberry Delights or Orange Cremes is like sipping a strong, exotic cocktail. The distinct flavour and strange texture takes you by surprise at first, and you can embrace or reject it. We recommend the former. Once you’ve had one or two and you’re on board, there’s no going back. You’ll realise just how good these things are.
We’re cheating here and ranking these two choccies side-by-side. They’re just too tough to set apart.
3. Caramel Swirl
Caramel swirl. Credit: The Manc Group
Caramel Swirls feel like the desserts of the aristocracy. The wrappers have the shimmering, royal quality of a Ferrero Roche – except the choccies have got a gooey, gold, rich, creamy centre to match.
Understandably, the Caramel Swirl can be a bit too much for some. But on a day when you want to indulge – there are few desserts more fitting.
Take a couple and treat yourself. You got through 2024, for God’s sake. You’ve earned it.
2. Green Triangle
The Green Triangle. Credit: The Manc Group
The Green Triangle is the Tom Hanks of box chocolates: It’s been around forever and no matter what the setting, it will never let you down.
It’s reassuring, solid and reliable. It’s easy to love. And it makes ordinary movies more enjoyable than they should be.
Good old Green Triangle. Never change.
1. The Purple One
The Purple One. Credit: The Manc Group
All hail The Purple One. God tier chocolate. The biggest, most beloved, and indisputably the best.
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With handsome wrapping and delicious contents of milk chocolate, runny caramel and a crunchy hazelnut at its core, The Purple One appears on top of user polls time and time again. Because class is permanent.
As soon as you open that Quality Street box on Christmas Day, get looking immediately for that purple wrapper. They won’t last long.
Daisy Jackson -
21st November 2023 
