Manchester restaurant creates cheeky £69 per head Valentine’s menu
Intimating its innocence in the joke, Kala replied with the haloed face of an angel - but let's be honest, there's no way they didn't do this on purpose.
Top Manchester bistro Kala has revealed its Valentine’s menu for 2023 and it’s equal parts naughty, raunchy, and (if you’re a little immature like us) downright funny.
No, we’re not referring to the chef’s dishes (although they do sound absolutely stunning). Rather, the thing that caught our eye was the price: with loved-up diners being charged exactly £69 per head to enjoy the romantic supper.
Surely someone’s got to be having a laugh on this one, and we’re absolutely cackling. Their followers clearly think it’s funny too, that is if the comments on the restaurant’s recent Instagram post are anything to go by.
Shared with the simple caption “Love is in the air. Valentine’s Day bookings now open”, the original menu post on the restaurant’s page makes no reference to the tongue-in-cheek price.
Mini doughnuts with dark chocolate sauce, honeycomb ice-cream and a nice slab of home made honeycomb. / Image: Kala Bistro
Chicken liver pate, farmer’s chutney and wholemeal sourdough toast – a Kala classic. / Image: Kala Bistro
However, fans were quick to pick up on it and quickly commented with a mixture of amusement and approval – with one person simply sending a trio of crying-laughing emojis, followed by a set of clapping hands.
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Intimating its innocence in the joke, Kala replied with the haloed face of an angel – but let’s be honest, there’s no way they didn’t do this on purpose.
After all, a quick look at the Valentine’s page on its website reveals this little nugget: “We always say people who love to eat are our kind of people, so HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY to all you lovers out there!”
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Read into that what you will.
The newly-revealed Valentine’s menu at Kala Bistro is priced at exactly £69 a head. / Image: Kala Bistro
One of Kala’s most recent specials, made with tuna tartare, pickled cucumber, sesame, and salt and vinegar crisps. / Image: Kala Bistro
As for the menu itself, for that £69 it offers some really good value with a total of five courses including bread and butter pudding with ‘burnt toast’ ice cream and a giant rack of lamb, salad, meatballs and gnocchi ‘to share’ as a main.
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With bread and snacks to be enjoyed before starters, followed by mains including a huge roasted lamb rack ‘to share’, desserts, and a signature sweet to finish, it all sounds more than tempting.
Think nibbles like rosemary and thyme focaccia with olive oil and sea salt or seaweed crackers with oyster emulsion, followed by starters of BBQ Hispi cabbage with romesco brown shrimp dressing and salted almonds, confit duck leg with savoury pancake, crispy rice and cucumber relish, and burrata with truffled honey, rocket and hazelnut pesto, grilled sourdough and pickled grapes.
Dark chocolate mousse, coffee caramel, hazelnut praline mousseline, vanilla ice cream. / Image: Kala Bistro
Roast rump of lamb, Shepherds pie, watercress and spinach purée. / image: Kala Bistro
For mains, choices include the aforementioned roasted rack of lamb to share with salad, lamb meatballs and gnocchi marinara, or for the couples that want their own dish, there’s roasted chicken breast, poached halibut loin, and pan-fried potato gnocchi.
And for pudding, Kala’s rhubarb and pistachio trifle is served with white chocolate and a lemon thyme cookie, whilst elsewhere on the menu you’ll find sour cherry bread and butter pudding with Maraschino and burnt toast icecream, and a blood orange choux bun filled with salted dark chocolate custard, vanilla cream and hazelnut brioche.
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Last but not least, you can also each enjoy a marshmallow Krispie to finish before heading home to enjoy a little naughty dessert of your own (or not, whatever floats your boat).
The 13 best bakeries in Greater Manchester, for bread, pastries, cakes and more
Daisy Jackson
Greater Manchester has one of the best food scenes on the planet, and when it comes to bakeries, our corner of the UK really shines.
From traditional British bakeries selling old-school northern favourites, to artisans who have put Manchester on the global map, we’re not short of options here.
There are tiny little award-winners, family-run favourites, viral sensations, and plenty more besides.
We came up with a list of 10… then kept remembering more places, so you can have a baker’s dozen of 13 great bakeries instead. Here we go!
Pollen, Ancoats and Kampus
PollenPollen at Kampus
Pollen is perhaps the name on this list that just about everyone in the nation will have heard of.
The brilliant, artisan bakery started life in a railway arch behind Manchester Piccadilly and quickly had queues down the street for its towering, flaky cruffins.
Since then, it’s opened its own waterside cafe and bakery in Ancoats, as well as a gorgeous modern space in the leafy Kampus, and is widely accepted to be one of the best bakeries in the North – if not the entire country.
Order a cruffin, and take a loaf of sourdough home with you for later.
Long Boi’s Bakehouse, Levenshulme
Long Boi’s Bakehouse in Levenshulme has been named one of Britain’s Best Bakeries in the Good Food Guide
Long Boi’s Bakehouse is a neighbourhood, women-owned bakery, which was recently named in the Good Food Guide’s list of Britain’s Best Bakeries (alongside Pollen for Greater Manchester).
The colourful bakery operates from a former off-license in a residential corner of Levenshulme, first finding fame with its homemade Pop Tarts, but it’s done A LOT of amazing baking since then.
Fans will travel great distances for their savoury pain au pickle (pictured above), as well as fluffy Lamington cakes and other sweet pastries.
Half Dozen Other, Red Bank and Oxford Road
Halloween specials at Half Dozen OtherPistachio cookie at Half Dozen Other, Manchester
From its all-pink warehouse in Red Bank, Half Dozen Other is one of the Manchester bakeries that everyone is talking about.
You’ve got a few options to visit, either popping in to pick up a treat from the main bakery, or visiting their cafe on Oxford Road (or indeed, grabbing a croissant from Pot Kettle Black).
Head baker Mark is a fountain of baking knowledge and inspiration, somehow coming up with brand-new creations every single week.
From Halloween specials in the shape of brains and fingers, to ever-changing flavour variations on pain suisse and pain au chocolat, there’s a reason people have made this a staple in their weekend plans.
La Chouquette, Didsbury
Bread at La Chouquette
La Chouquette is widely accepted to be one of Greater Manchester’s top bakeries, famed for its traditional French pastries, desserts and cakes.
The queues out the door every weekend speak for themselves – these are almond croissants worth travelling for.
Founded by Mairead Deignan and Florent Verove, La Chouquette has grown in size and gone on to open a second site, Piqniq, serving sandwiches on proper baguettes.
Hive Bakehouse, Westhoughton
Pistachio cruffins, fresh focaccia, and sticky toffee Danishes – have we caught your attention yet?
What started as a lockdown hobby in the owner’s garden has flourished into a beautiful cafe set inside an old stables, and we definitely recommend giving Hive Bakehouse a visit.
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Whether you want to visit their cafe to try their delicious bakes, or you’re a business looking for bread suppliers, Hive Bakehouse has got it all – and by visiting them, you’re also supporting a lovely family-run business, too.
The Flat Baker, Ancoats
Viral Manchester bakery The Flat Baker
If you haven’t seen The Flat Baker on social media, you must not be on social media at all, because this place is an online sensation.
And the bakes really live up to the hype, too. Owned by Debs and Matt, who started the business out of their flat in lockdown, they’ve gone from a tiny hatch in Ancoats to their own sunny cafe just next door.
There’s a counter packed with their phenomenal Brazilian and French bakes, including traditional brigadeiros, their famed pistachio range, and delicate savoury pastries. There’s not a bad order to be had, truthfully.
Companio, Ancoats and Northern Quarter
There’s something about Companio that feels more honest-to-goodness than most of the other bakeries in Greater Manchester – maybe it’s the way you can see the bakers pummelling dough just behind the counter.
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Now with two sites in the city centre, there’s even more chance to pick up giant sourdough loaves, freshly-made Danishes, or maritozzi bursting at the seams with cream.
There’s something VERY satisfying about sitting eating a freshly-baked pastry while you watch a baker roll out the next batch right in front of you.
Polish bakehouse Sticky Fingers now has a new (second) home, which means even more chance of grabbing one of their insane bakes.
Run by partners Adrian and Klaudyna, the new Underbank cafe is serving up all of their usual best-sellers, alongside proper good coffee to pair with it.
The new spot is stacked with all their cult classics – think blackcurrant Bakewell brioche, rich banoffee danishes, and cherry-topped pastries. It’s no wonder they sell out the minute stuff hits the trays.
This family-run bakery was set up by teacher-turned-baker Matt Townley, whose bread delivery business went pretty busy during lockdown (look, not all of us got into baking our own sourdough).
They’ve always got loads of specials worth popping in for, whether it’s a tear-and-share brioche heart for Valentine’s Day, or a supersized Easter hot cross bun loaf.
It’s a real class act, and you can see the talented team of bakers at work inside the cafe too.
Lottie’s Bakehouse, Chinatown
There’s a fabulous Chinese bakery right in the heart of Chinatown, serving up traditional Chinese treats and Japanese fusion baked goods.
There’s everything from pandon coconut buns and maple syrup toast, to seaweed rolls, pineapple buns, coffee rotis, and LOADS more.
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You can even customise your own cakes, as well as enjoy matcha, coffee, and traditional Chinese drinks on the side too. Don’t miss their bow-shaped croissants.
Loafi, Ramsbottom
A cross-section of the custard tartInside Loafi in Ramsbottom
Forget your fancy-pants artisan bakes or viennoiseries – this bakery up in Ramsbottom is all about old-fashioned and traditional northern bakes. And it’s absolutely brilliant.
Whether it’s a sticky-bottomed Eccles cake, a corned beef sandwich on a soft milk roll, or a primary school reminiscent cornflake tart, Loafi is really celebrating the North West in all its eras.
And then the star of the show – their custard tart. These fly off the counter within minutes of landing, but we’ll go to great lengths to get our hands on that Manchester Tart again in this lifetime.
Hidden on an industrial estate in Salford, Mayya is dishing out some of the best baked goods around – and yes, that includes cinnamon rolls so good they might ruin all others for you.
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What started as a homegrown hobby has flourished into a cosy spot for proper Turkish comfort food, from freshly made gözleme (or gozzies for short) to bigger dishes if you fancy sitting in.
Grab yourself a fresh juice or one of their silky coffees to sip on and you’ve got the ultimate little treat.
As with all good neighbourhood venues, All Things Nice wears a few different hats.
By day, it’s a cafe and bakery where you can tuck in to fresh pasties, homemade bagels, and brunch dishes perched atop their in-house loaves; by night, it’s all about homemade sourdough pizzas, great wine, and premium meats from local butchers.
Their bakes and cakes are absolutely beautiful – they really do hit the nail on the head with everything they pop on the menu.
Inside Plere, Chorlton’s sunniest new bar with great wines and tinned fish
Daisy Jackson
Chorlton’s sunniest street has a new addition, with the arrival of wine bar and small plates restaurant Plere.
The new opening comes from couple Lee and Fiona, who’ve taken up a unit on Beech Road that’s been vacant for a few years and turned into a beautiful, light-flooded neighbourhood venue.
Plere takes its name from the Latin term ‘to fulfill’, and that’s exactly what this new spot has been doing ever since its arrival last month.
Plere’s menu is made up of easy small plates, including charcuterie and cheese plates, Portuguese tinned fish, and hummus, all served with quality bread from Holy Grain.
There’s a decent selection of craft beer too, including their own lager on draught in collaboration with Cloudwater, and tonnes of different wines available by the glass.
Inside Plere in ChorltonThe sunny terrace at Plere
There pavement terrace is a proper little sun-trap too, so it’s perfect for enjoying a pint or two in the Manchester sun.
With DJs spinning vinyls until late across the weekend and a solid team on the bar, this is a new opening you should get behind.
On launch weekend, Lee and Fiona wrote: “We are completely overwhelmed by all the lovely comments and amazing responses from you all on our opening weekend.
“Thank you so much for making us feel so welcome, we look forward to seeing you soon.”
Georgina Pellant -
19th January 2023 
