Manchester restaurant creates cheeky £69 per head Valentine’s menu
Intimating its innocence in the joke, Kala replied with the haloed face of an angel - but let's be honest, there's no way they didn't do this on purpose.
Top Manchester bistro Kala has revealed its Valentine’s menu for 2023 and it’s equal parts naughty, raunchy, and (if you’re a little immature like us) downright funny.
No, we’re not referring to the chef’s dishes (although they do sound absolutely stunning). Rather, the thing that caught our eye was the price: with loved-up diners being charged exactly £69 per head to enjoy the romantic supper.
Surely someone’s got to be having a laugh on this one, and we’re absolutely cackling. Their followers clearly think it’s funny too, that is if the comments on the restaurant’s recent Instagram post are anything to go by.
Shared with the simple caption “Love is in the air. Valentine’s Day bookings now open”, the original menu post on the restaurant’s page makes no reference to the tongue-in-cheek price.
Mini doughnuts with dark chocolate sauce, honeycomb ice-cream and a nice slab of home made honeycomb. / Image: Kala Bistro
Chicken liver pate, farmer’s chutney and wholemeal sourdough toast – a Kala classic. / Image: Kala Bistro
However, fans were quick to pick up on it and quickly commented with a mixture of amusement and approval – with one person simply sending a trio of crying-laughing emojis, followed by a set of clapping hands.
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Intimating its innocence in the joke, Kala replied with the haloed face of an angel – but let’s be honest, there’s no way they didn’t do this on purpose.
After all, a quick look at the Valentine’s page on its website reveals this little nugget: “We always say people who love to eat are our kind of people, so HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY to all you lovers out there!”
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Read into that what you will.
The newly-revealed Valentine’s menu at Kala Bistro is priced at exactly £69 a head. / Image: Kala Bistro
One of Kala’s most recent specials, made with tuna tartare, pickled cucumber, sesame, and salt and vinegar crisps. / Image: Kala Bistro
As for the menu itself, for that £69 it offers some really good value with a total of five courses including bread and butter pudding with ‘burnt toast’ ice cream and a giant rack of lamb, salad, meatballs and gnocchi ‘to share’ as a main.
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With bread and snacks to be enjoyed before starters, followed by mains including a huge roasted lamb rack ‘to share’, desserts, and a signature sweet to finish, it all sounds more than tempting.
Think nibbles like rosemary and thyme focaccia with olive oil and sea salt or seaweed crackers with oyster emulsion, followed by starters of BBQ Hispi cabbage with romesco brown shrimp dressing and salted almonds, confit duck leg with savoury pancake, crispy rice and cucumber relish, and burrata with truffled honey, rocket and hazelnut pesto, grilled sourdough and pickled grapes.
Dark chocolate mousse, coffee caramel, hazelnut praline mousseline, vanilla ice cream. / Image: Kala Bistro
Roast rump of lamb, Shepherds pie, watercress and spinach purée. / image: Kala Bistro
For mains, choices include the aforementioned roasted rack of lamb to share with salad, lamb meatballs and gnocchi marinara, or for the couples that want their own dish, there’s roasted chicken breast, poached halibut loin, and pan-fried potato gnocchi.
And for pudding, Kala’s rhubarb and pistachio trifle is served with white chocolate and a lemon thyme cookie, whilst elsewhere on the menu you’ll find sour cherry bread and butter pudding with Maraschino and burnt toast icecream, and a blood orange choux bun filled with salted dark chocolate custard, vanilla cream and hazelnut brioche.
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Last but not least, you can also each enjoy a marshmallow Krispie to finish before heading home to enjoy a little naughty dessert of your own (or not, whatever floats your boat).
Brilliant Saddleworth restaurant shares statement after devastating fire that brought village to a standstill
Daisy Jackson
A brilliant restaurant in Saddleworth has been left ‘badly damaged’ after a huge blaze ripped through it yesterday afternoon.
Hot Duck in Uppermill, a modern Chinese establishment tucked above a takeaway, said that the fire on Sunday 6 September has been ‘devastating’.
Both Hot Duck and Hei Hei, which share a building on the village’s high street, will be closed for the foreseeable future.
But in a statement, Hot Duck said they will ‘do everything we can to come back stronger’.
They reassured customers that everyone is safe following the blaze.
Six fire engines from across Greater Manchester scrambled to the fire yesterday, with High Street closed while emergency services attended.
Locals were asked to avoid the area on Sunday evening.
Hot Duck said in a statement: “Thank you to everyone who has reached out over the last 24 hours. As many of you know, our restaurant has suffered a devastating fire affecting our whole building.
Inside Hot Duck in Uppermill before the fireHot Duck’s incredible dim sum
“Thankfully, everyone is safe, and for that, we’re incredibly grateful. We are still processing what comes next.
“It’s heartbreaking to see something we’ve worked so hard on over the years so badly damaged.
“The kindness, messages, calls, and offers of help mean more than we can put into words. To our customers, friends, neighbors, suppliers, and the wider community, thank you. Your support has given us hope at a time we really needed it.
“For now, the restaurant will remain closed while we begin the long process of rebuilding. It won’t be easy, but we will do everything we can to come back stronger. We’ll keep you updated. We will be back.”
The Greater Manchester book café serving literary afternoon teas and build-your-own bouquets
Daisy Jackson
If you like your afternoon tea with a side of good books, there’s a Greater Manchester café where you can quite literally have your cake and read it too.
Tucked inside this charming bookish spot, afternoon tea arrives with an unexpected twist. Rather than being presented with the usual three-tiered stand, you’re handed a stack of heavy hardback books.
But don’t start worrying that you’ve accidentally wandered into a very niche library club. The books are hiding something.
Lift the covers in Peony & Parchment – or, more accurately, open the book-shaped boxes – and you’ll discover a full afternoon tea concealed inside.
There are dainty sandwiches to get stuck into, including tiny egg mayo, herby chicken salad, ham and mustard, and cheese and tomato focaccia, alongside a little quiche.
Then comes the scone – classic, fluffy and ready for the obligatory dollop of clotted cream and jam. And, because no afternoon tea should leave you feeling like you’ve been short-changed in the cake department, there are five miniature slices to work through.
Afternoon tea concealed in a stack of booksSome of the other bakes on display
There’s a Victoria sponge with a dreamy vanilla cream, lemon drizzle, rich chocolate cake, a Bakewell slice and a pecan pie, all sourced from a local bakery just across the alleyway.
It’s all served with a pot of tea or coffee, with the option to add a glass of prosecco.
And the bookish theme doesn’t stop at the afternoon tea.
Downstairs you’ll find shelves packed with books, including the intriguing ‘blind books’. Instead of judging a book by its cover, you’ll be given clues and a short summary of what lies inside before taking a gamble on your mystery read.
Downstairs in Peony & Parchment‘Blind books’A role playing village for kids
There’s also plenty here to keep younger visitors entertained, thanks to a children’s area complete with a mini role-playing village.
And if books and cake weren’t enough, there’s another string to this café’s bow.
The Bloom Bar lets you build your own bouquet. Choose the size you want, then wander around selecting your own stems and foliage to create something that’s uniquely yours.
You can build your own bouquetThe Bloom Bar at Peony & Parchment
Of course, you don’t have to be visiting specifically for the afternoon tea. The wider menu includes tapas, full breakfasts and sandwiches, making it just as suitable for a leisurely brunch, lunch or coffee-and-cake stop.
So whether you’re there to discover your next favourite novel, assemble a bouquet, entertain the kids or simply eat your way through five different miniature cakes, this is one café where there are plenty of chapters to explore.
Georgina Pellant -
19th January 2023 
