Bad jokes are even worse hiders. You can always find them lurking in the two same places.
They’re either tucked away inside Christmas crackers, ready to leap out and scream a painful pun across the dinner table.
Or, they’re skulking inside the inner folds of a Penguin chocolate bar.
As tasty as these McVitie’s treats might be, Penguins have earned a bigger reputation for the head-smackingly bad puns and ridiculous dad humour printed on their wrappers.
But, if you’ve always been the kind of person who finds Penguin jokes to be something of a guilty pleasure, there’s a competition you should know about.
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This month, you might actually get your own gag printed on a Penguin and earn a place in humour’s Hall of Shame.
Get your joke on a Penguin! ? Calling all aspiring jokesters and punsters, McVitie’s Penguin wants your help to refresh the jokes for next year. Use #PenguinJokes to submit your entry. Entry closes on the 13th September. T&Cs apply: https://t.co/CggHUosrkmpic.twitter.com/3Xcy70Fh6i
It’s gonna have to be a whopper of a joke to make the cut, so be sure to practice on your friends and family.
If some groan and others try desperately not to giggle, you could be onto a winner…
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Rúben Amorim outlines the three key things Manchester United need to work on
Danny Jones
Rúben Amorim has conducted his first full press conference as Manchester United manager and has outlined the three key things he wants to address when it comes to his new team.
Amorim officially joined Man United on Monday, 11 November after being given a ‘now or never’ which meant he had to leave his former club Sporting CP in the middle of the season.
Replacing Erik ten Hag, who was sacked less than 24 hours after a 2-1 defeat to West Ham and had overseen a run of bad results, the contract extension he was given in the summer ultimately proved obsolete and now the Portuguese head coach must lift his new side from a measly 13th in the table.
That being said, speaking to the media in his first full pre-match presser ahead of his maiden Premier League outing against Ipswich Town this weekend, Amorim has already highlighted three key areas in which he wants United to improve as a matter of priority.
"I truly believe that I'm the right guy in the right moment" 👊
Ruben Amorim says he does not think managing Manchester United is the impossible job.#MUFC#bbcfootball 🇵🇹
What did Amorim say in his first full Man United press conference?
Although the 39-year-old coach – who is only three years older than resurgent centre-back Johnny Evans – started off by assuring that his main focus at its core is to win the next match (and the one after that, as the football cliché goes), he boiled the current squad issues down to a troublesome trio.
In his eyes, a lot of it just comes down to pure physical effort.
Improve possession
First and foremost, Amorim was quick to point out that United “lose the ball too often” and simply have to retain it more throughout the 90 minutes.
Although they have enjoyed spells of greater control in games, their average possessions stats in the Premier League not only under ten Hag but Ole Gunnar Solskjær and even short-lived interim boss Ralf Rangnick never flirted too far above 50-53%.
While that might sound like the signs of nothing more than a well-contested game, the club need to be looking at much higher numbers if they want to start being a dominant force again.
Track back more
The second area he said that the team desperately needs to improve in is the distances covered per match, especially when it comes to running back towards their own goal and tracking back during defensive phases.
Addressing it in a rather matter-of-fact manner, he told reporters: “We have to be better at running back, I think that is clear for everybody [to see].” He told Gary Neville something very similar in his other recent interview with Sky Sports.
"This is my place" ❤️
The smile on both Gary Neville and Ruben Amorim's face when the Manchester United head coach said this ☺ pic.twitter.com/dpKnnE69Nm
He said it with a smile on his face but it’s clear that he knows there is a narrative surrounding United in recent years that they just don’t work hard enough, both on and off the ball. Having played mainly in the middle of the park for Belenenses, Benfica and SC Braga, running is a non-negotiable.
Focus on the ‘details’ first
Lastly, Amorim said he believes one of the big things he can do for these players is to help them fine-tune the small things. He added that although there is a feeling that fans want there to be “a lot of change” and pressure to make “big” decisions, he reiterated that “it’s the small things.”
The former utility player knows a thing or two about playing in lots of positions and going back to the opening point of his press conference in which he discussed getting the team to believe in “one thing”, he believes that the minute differences can contribute to changing how they approach the game.
There is understandably lots of talk surrounding his trademark 3-4-3 formation and whether these details refer to tactical tweaks, we will see, but he insists that so long as they put in the effort and pay attention to the little stuff, those on the pitch will start to play in the same way that he wants them to.
You can watch his press conference ahead of the Ipswich away this Sunday in full down below:
Amorim was also happy to casually call out those who ‘don’t believe in’ his new players in his first press conference as Man United coach.
Featured Images — BeanymanSports (via YouTube screenshot)
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Posters around Manchester city centre spark serious rumours Charli XCX is set to headline Parklife 2025
Danny Jones
Some pretty big, green posters are popping up around town and, not to get ahead of ourselves, but it looks like they’re hinting at Charli XCX headlining Parklife 2025…
Feel free to lose your bratting minds.
A number of tall, let’s call it ‘apple’ green posters have been sighted in various places across Manchester city centre this Friday, 22 November and the last time we saw this slightly low-resolution, plain black Arial font and colour combo we got a reworked version of Charli XCX’s brat album.
Listen, all we can tell you is that this is almost exactly the same marketing and the letters on the poster simply read, “PL25”. Come on… you do the math(s).
Spotting at least two of the posters for ourselves around both Newton and Thomas Street in and around the Northern Quarter, plenty of people have been double-taking at the simple but bold and undeniably eye-catching portrait posters.
Trust us, we weren’t the only ones stopping to take a picture and frantically send them to half of our phonebook either.
Charli herself hasn’t given us any other clues on social media thus far – to be fair, this one feels fairly obvious to us – but it’s well worth keeping your eyes peeled on her stories as she did plenty of teasing before dropping Brat and it’s completely different but also still brat.
Still can’t get over that actually being the title, by the way.
It’s also worth noting that Parklife themselves recently confirmed that festival fans can expect to find out their headliners and the full 2025 lineup very soon. Check out that colour…
Oh, who are we kidding? That’s not apple green it’s straight-up BRAT green, b*tch. We’re fully getting carried away and you’ll just have to deal with it.
Even if it somehow turns out she’s not headlining it’s certainly looking like she’s going to be there and it wouldn’t be the first time.
Better yet, fans of the pop sensation won’t have to wait too long to see her right here in Greater Manchester because Charli is bringing her already smash-hit tour to Co-op Live next Wednesday, 27 November and in case you couldn’t tell by all the shouting in capitals, we’re very excited.
Roll on ‘PL25’. Other than Charli XCX, who else would you like to see as your Parklife headliners next summer?
The Manc -
3rd September 2020 
