Sport

Someone’s imagined what a date night with different football managers would be like — and now we want to date Ian Holloway

We would have written this sooner but we've been too busy trying get a hold of their numbers.

Danny Jones Danny Jones - 27th September 2023

Someone on Twitter—sorry, X, has put together a hypothetical thread of what different football managers would be like on a date and we genuinely haven’t stopped laughing.

It’s times like these that we remember how much we love the internet.

The absolutely deviant genius behind this is a lady named Alexandra Haddow: a writer, comedian, columnist and self-proclaimed ‘fashion magpie’ who decided to turn her comic chops to the world of football and footy managers, specifically.

So, if you’ve ever wondered what it would be like to date, say, Pep Guardiola or Mikel Arteta, this may or may not give you some idea of what it might be like. I mean, not really but it’s hilarious and, we’ll warn you, it’s more than a bit naughty.

There’s a total of 15 different imaginary dates with 15 different football managers. Few rival Keegan’s satisfaction levels.
Sadly, Pep couldn’t perform in this fantasy fixture.
Southgate’s too nice for a one-night stand.

We’d try and describe how we’re feeling after reading these but we’ve only just got up after fainting.

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It goes without saying that these spicy takes aren’t only an absolute crease but they’ll probably get you more hot under the collar than all three Fifty Shades books combined.

We genuinely struggled to pick our favourite but her vision of going out with former Leicester, Blackpool and QPR coach, Ian Holloway, had us literally dripping with tears of laughter: “Takes you to life drawing & brings magic mushrooms for both of you. You get kicked out for giggling. Ends up a twilight stroll by the river with ice creams discussing philosophy & your favourite sweet wrappers. Quick one in the bushes on the way home for a laugh.”

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Honestly, we could be here all day sharing these fiery fantasy dates but we’ll leave you to enjoy them at your own (p)leisure.

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Big up Alexandra for putting her mind firmly in the gutter simply for our amusement. She’s also playing here in Manchester next month at Cane and Grain in Northern Quarter in case you fancy enjoying her funnies in person.

The London-based comic has been supporting Frankie Boyle on tour and has received rave reviews following this year’s Edinburgh Festival.

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You can grab tickets for her ‘Not My Finest Hour’ show on 9 October HERE.

Last one, we promise. ‘Big Sam’ would be the ride of your life and you most likely wouldn’t survive…

No words.

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Featured Image — Wikimedia Commons/The Manc Group/@BeersnBlues (via Twitter)

Sport

Erik ten Hag splits opinion as he calls Man United “one of the most dynamic and entertaining teams in the league”

Danny Jones Danny Jones Erik ten Hag calls Manchester United 'one of the most dynamic and entertaining teams' in the Premier League

Erik ten Hag has caused quite the stir with his post-match interview following the disappointing result against Burnley, as he went out on a limb to label his Manchester United side “one of the most dynamic and entertaining teams in the league”.

Pretty big words, to say the least.

With just one win in their last five league games, six draws and a dozen defeats this season, ten Hag‘s sophomore season at Old Trafford is looking like it could end up being one of the worst campaigns in the club’s history in terms of points, still four shy of the lowest-ever tally of 58 posted in 2022/22.

Moreover, much of the criticisms levelled at ten Hag is that it’s been difficult to see any distinct style or patterns of play from his squad, leaving many with a raised eyebrow when he decided to praise them as “one the most dynamic” in the Premier League after drawing at home to a side likely to be relegated.

ten Hag believes they can’t be compared to the United of 04/05 but that they’re still ‘one of the most dynamic and entertaining’.

Unsurprisingly, the reaction online from supporters, Red or otherwise, has been one of disbelief and plenty of amusement – and that’s putting it mildly.

Responses from United fan accounts included: “Thought it was a fake quote, I’m speechless”, “He does not see what us fans see, delusional”; “Nah, he’s taking the p*ss now” and “Nurse, he’s got out of bed again!”. Another simply wrote, “WTF”.

As for other fans and those speaking from a more neutral point of view, they weren’t much more impartial or any less shocked, remarking “People have been sectioned for less”, “Honestly, how are all Man Utd fans not sick of him? This would drive me nuts.”, and many joking that he was either drunk or high.

On the other hand, plenty jumped to quip that they are indeed entertaining – just maybe not quite in the way the Dutchman might have intended, with one account commenting: “To be honest, I’ve watched United play more this season than any other. I just love watching them take a hiding.”

United have certainly created plenty of drama and memorable scorelines this season, not least of all the 19-minute collapse against Coventry City where they gave away a 3-0 lead and had to scrape through to the FA Cup final on penalties.

The only problem is that they can end up being on either side of them; one week they’re celebrating an iconic 4-3 derby win over Liverpool to take them to a semi-final, and the next they lose by the same scoreline to Chelsea in the 101st minute.

The phrase ‘never a dull moment’ has been thrown around plenty in regards to the Red Devils this season – albeit mostly among non-United fans – but the truth is that between those bursts of excitement, chaos and unpredictability, they often look out of ideas and are regularly labelled as ‘boring’.

The proof appears to be in the stats as well. Not only did they make their worst start to a season since 1962 this year, with ten Hag breaking all manner of unwanted records in the process, but they also looked to be a fair way off the pace in terms of the dynamism and creativity that he claims:

The numbers aren’t exactly backing up his stance.

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The single point against second-from-bottom Burnley and the other results around them have now confirmed that Manchester United cannot qualify for the Champions League next season.

It remains to be seen where they’ll finish in the table and whether a Europa or Conference League place is on the cards, but it’s fair to say that the pressure on ten Hag to make sure that ‘dynamic and entertaining’ version of United he sees turns up against Man City for the FA Cup final next month.

It’ll be a tall order for the faltering side to make it past their fierce and still high-flying rivals but it would make it two trophies in his first two seasons and could be the lifeline the divisive manager needs to keep his job as the club’s rebuild continues.

Where do you stand on it, United fans: would you keep him in the job or does it all depend on whether they lift that trophy come 25 May?

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Featured Images — BBC/Optus Sport/Man United (via Instagram)

Sport

2024 Manchester Marathon raises £29 million for local economy and over £3.7m for charity

Danny Jones Danny Jones Manchester Marathon raises millions for city economy and local charity

Just under a fortnight on from the 2024 Manchester Marathon and the numbers are finally, with the annual race generating nearly £30 million for the local economy and raising over £3.7m for charity.

This year’s Adidas Manchester Marathon saw record numbers of runners and spectators as over 30,000 took part in the popular race, up by roughly 6,000 from 2023, and more than 125k turned up to line the streets of Greater Manchester.

As a result, these huge crowds spent upwards of £29.2 million at business around the city centre and around the 10 boroughs last weekend, serving as one of the most significant contributions to the local economy on the annual calendar.

Not only was this an approximately £8m increase on last year’s tally but, most importantly, a sizeable chunk of that went straight into both regional and national charities.

The 2024 adidas Manchester Marathon was a spectacular day for the city and its economy.

Beyond the boost to local vendors, the hospitality sector and retail businesses, over £3.7 million were allocated to charities such as Alzheimer’s Charity, Cancer Research UK, British Heart Foundation and The Christie. 

Over £32,000 was also raised for the Trafford Active Fund, with £1 from every paid entry to the Adidas Manchester Marathon and Manchester Half donated directly to the initiative that benefits local sports clubs and organisations through Trafford Council.

Better still, with City of Trees selected as the chosen ‘Green Runner’ charity, the eco-friendly drive saw roughly 7% of participants opt out of receiving either a finisher t-shirt, medal or both.

The money saved in production goes towards maintaining woodlands and wildlife across Greater Manchester.

Fundraising from the Manchester Marathon is one of it’s biggest upshots.

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This year’s Manchester Marathon also helped produce some of the highest number of passengers on public transport in the city’s history, with a over 175,000 journeys made on Metrolink alone – the highest number of journeys ever recorded on a single day.

This was a 20% increase on 2023’s race day (145k), spotlighting how the event continues to be more environmentally conscious as years go by.

With the 2025 adidas Manchester Marathon confirmed to be taking place on Sunday, 27 April next year – and over 12,000 places already sold – the city can already look forward to reaping the economic and social benefits of hosting one of Europe’s largest, flattest, friendliest and most-loved marathons. 

For all the latest news, events and goings on in Greater Manchester, subscribe to The Manc newsletter HERE.

Featured Images — Adidas Manchester Marathon/The Manc Group

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